EDMONTON — According to Oprah, when a woman starts making good money, the first thing she does is fix her teeth. “A sign of having money is having pretty teeth.” I don’t think the quote is exactly right, but close. As soon as I heard this proclamation, I rushed to the mirror to examine my less-than-perfect teeth.

I knew, to some degree, she was right. A straight row of perfectly groomed teeth makes smiling less intimidating and more appealing to others, but not everyone has the money to make that happen. That was the point with which I agreed.

Although far from rich, I was determined to improve my looks starting with my smile. I didn’t want to wear braces, so my one tooth that lapped a little over the other would have to stay. It is a family flaw. However, the tint could change. I had used whitening strips, but the five day guarantee didn’t solve my problem. So I made an appointment with a wonderful dentist.

First, I had a couple of cavities fixed, some old cavities removed and improved, and my teeth cleaned. I do not fear the dentist chair, as some do, because I relax under a gas mask. I wish I had one at home to use at bed time!

Over the next few weeks, I was in the hands of a very competent dentist whose goal was to make my teeth healthy. My goal was to improve my looks. “Give it time; first we must work toward healthy gums and teeth and the cosmetic side will come later.” I wanted the cosmetic first!

Finally, the day for whitening came. I had tried the tray route at $400 from another dentist. My teeth were so sensitive, I couldn’t use it. A nurse surrounded me, ready to begin. I announced, “If this is anything like the tray method, I can’t do it because I have very sensitive teeth and the pain afterwards is unbearable.”

“Oh, we have never had anyone complain about this method. It doesn’t seem to bother people like the tray method does.”

I trusted that she knew, but I should have trusted my past experiences.

For several hours, I relaxed as the laser beamed on my teeth, making them whiter. I visualized my new self and planned the next phase of improvement. So far nothing was hurting, so she must have been right.

As I left the office, I was given a tray (oh, no, not another tray) and the whitening supplies to go in the tray. (A tray is actually a device that fits over a person’s teeth in which whitening liquid is placed and then it soaks into your teeth as you sleep or work.) I once again reminded the nurse that my teeth were very sensitive and I didn’t know if I could do the tray or not. “Give it a try. I think you will be fine.”

Once again, I paid the tray fee, which was another $400, and left with a little anxiety that this wasn’t going to work and I would, again, have wasted my money.

Not more than half way home, pain shot through my body as if I had been stung by a swarm of bees. My mother was with me and I honestly thought she was going to have to drive, which she hadn’t done in twenty years. For her sake, I tried to downplay the excruciating pain.

By the time I reached my driveway, I was crying and massaging my jaw.  I know pain — the pain of gallbladder attacks and childbirth, but never had I experienced anything like this. My head could have exploded and I would have not cared.

I thought it would subside, so I tried to walk off the pain. From one room to another, I clutched my jaw and walked and moaned and begged for relief. Orajel left over from one of the grandkids didn’t faze the pain. I even put a pencil between my teeth and bit down as hard as I could like a wounded man did in the old West when he needed a bullet out of a leg. Finally, I called the dentist.

The nurse said, “We’ve never had anything like this happen before now.” She was puzzled.

“Well, it is happening to me and if I don’t get some relief, I’m going to ER.” I held back the tears.

The dentist called in prescription and I went to bed to wait it out. Within a few hours, the pain had subsided.

I knew better than to try the tray with the whitener. I chose not to go through that pain again, no matter how much I wanted whiter teeth

The truth is that real money affords a person to buy implants or veneers and smile like Jessica Simpson, instead of sitting in a chair under a laser or sleeping with a tray full of whitener liquid. I don’t blame anyone for buying new teeth, but for what a mouth full would cost, I could take a vacation to Paris. At my age, I’ll take Paris, grinning all the way!