SPORTS COMMENTARY: Picking the party

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February 5, 2010

A guide to choosing the ideal Super Bowl get-together

Anonymous The Glasgow Daily Times Fri Feb 05, 2010, 09:27 AM CST

Picking the right Super Bowl party is a lot like choosing the perfect skirt for an evening on the town. Or so I assume.

You want something fun, of course, but not the kind of skirt that gives the wrong impression. Yes, you’re here to have a good time, but you’re still a lady. You demand to be taken seriously, and in return, will treat those around you with a similar respect.

The same goes for a Super Bowl get together.

You want your party to be a laid back, social event: one in which you can keep an eye on the game and still chat with friends. But you also need those friends to shut their traps when the Colts and Saints are three points apart and its third and two in the red zone.

Finding such an environment is difficult, if not impossible. To those of you still weighing multiple Big Game viewing options, here are some variables to consider before making a final decision.

The Host

The thrower will determine the tone of the party. Ideally, he/she will not be a fan of either participating team, as such a person will unintentionally render your evening a nightmare-ish hellscape.

I witnessed my friend Adam, a Bears fan, sit through the 2007 Super Bowl and it was a lot like watching him experience the funeral of a close family member and the birth of his child all at once. When Devin Hester returned the opening kick off, Adam screamed with joy and hugged everyone within arm’s reach. If possible, he would have handed out blue-and-orange bubble gum cigars. By the end of the evening, though, he was a bombed-out shell of a man who could, at any moment, degenerate into a violent nervous breakdown.

Like the party itself, you want your host to be laid back. But if he/she doesn’t possess any interest in the game whatsoever, you could run into some problems. Which brings us to our next variable:

Is the party themed?

If I can be sexist for a moment, and I think I can, this problem could arise in parties thrown by groups of women. Women love for their social-gatherings to serve a purpose, i.e. “game night,” “movie night,”, etc. I’m not a psychologist, and despite the earlier skirt simile, I don’t harbor any inside knowledge on the inner workings of the female brain, but my past experience has taught me women have a powerful, nearly psychotic, urge to entertain you to death.

The game itself, not a game of Outburst, should always be at the party’s center.

If your Super Bowl party doubles as an ugly sweater party, avoid, avoid, avoid.

The TV

A 52-inch LCD-screen always beats a 20-inch Emerson TV-VCR combo. But the big TV may not always represent your best bet.

Owners of large, new televisions always want to show off their purchase. They experiment with picture-in-picture, computer hook-ups and often zoom in closer to the action to exemplify the TV’s “50,000:1 dynamic contrast ratio.”

If you’re not really into technology, this is extremely annoying. Some owners can even misjudge their mastery of the TV and forget how to zoom out, leaving you with an uncomfortably tight view of Peyton Manning’s eggplant-shaped head.

Also, I’m not sure halftime act The Who are necessarily equipped for superior picture and sound quality anymore. The old albums are great, but I don’t need a crystal-clear view of Pete Townsend dislocating his 64 year-old shoulder while wind-milling his guitar.

And, finally, The Refreshments

A healthy lifestyle is a wonderful thing. But not on Super Bowl Sunday.

The food at any good party should completely disregard any notions of good nutrition. You want wings, chili, sausages, dip and, if you’re so inclined (and of legal age), drinks you can’t purchase within the county limits.

Even if you know nothing about football and the thought of sitting through a three-hour game makes you sick, you can still enjoy the food.

A good chili can erase a weeping host, a malfunctioning television and even make you forget you’re wearing a knit Christmas sweater. You can simply enjoy yourself, no matter the variables.

And I think that’s the whole point.

Jon Webb is the sports editor for the Glasgow Daily Times. He can be reached at jwebb (at) glasgowdailytimes.com

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A guide to choosing the ideal Super Bowl get-together

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